Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open – SNL


>>>KELLY ANNE IT’S ALMOST
CHRISTMAS. WE HAVE TO TALK CHRISTMAS NOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>I’M AFRAID SO, MR. TRUMP.
I KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN SO BUSY ON YOUR THANK YOU TOUR.
>>I HAD TO DO IT. I FELT AN OBLIGATION TO THANK
ANY SUPPORTERS BY STANDING IN FRONT OF THEM WHILE THEY CHEER
FOR ME. LET ES GET THIS OVER WITH.
ARE THERE MORE CABINET PICKS YET?
>>RICK PERRY WILL BE SECRETARY OF ENERGY.
>>WAS THAT A GREAT CHOICE? I SAW HIM ON “DANCING WITH THE
STARS.” THIS GUY HAS SO MUCH ENERGY.
HE’S JUST UN-PRESIDENT-ED. NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PICK WHO
WILL BE PRESIDENT.>>UM, THAT’S YOU, SIR.
>>CAN I JUST DO IT THREE DAYS A WEEK LIKE HOWARD STERN DOES?
>>I DON’T THINK SO.>>KELLYANNE, WHAT WILL YOU BE
DOING IN MY ADMINISTRATION?>>OH, WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS DONE.
MASTER ILLUSIONIST. ALSO, I PUT TOGETHER A LIST OF
PEOPLE WHO AGREED TO PERFORM AT YOUR INAUGURATION.
>>SO MANY GREAT NAMES HERE REALLY.
I LOVE THEM BOTH.>>ENOUGH WITH THE WORKING.
LET’S DO THE CHRISTMAS.>>OKAY, MELANIA.
KELLYANNE, LET’S TAKE A BREAK BUT STAY CLOSE BY.
>>I’M HANDCUFFED TO YOU FOR ALL OF HISTORY.
>>WHAT’S THAT SOUND?>>IT’S COMING FROM THE CHIMNEY.
>>IS IT A GHOST? AM I BEING SCROOGED?
I HATE THAT. SCROOGED!
>>DONALD, I THINK IT’S — [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>VLADIMIR, THIS IS A GREAT SURPRISE.
>>WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?>>I WAS JUST IN TOWN, YOU KNOW,
HIDING IN THE WALLS.>>COME IN.
COME IN. IT’S GREAT TO FINALLY GET A
CHANCE TO TALK IN PERSON. I COULD POST AN E-MAIL TO YOU
BUT I HAVEN’T EVEN SENT IT YET.>>I KNOW.
MR. TRUMP, I’M HERE BECAUSE YOUR CIA SAY THE RUSSIANS TRIED TO
MAKE YOU WIN ELECTION.>>I KNOW.
ALL LIES MADE UP BY SOME VERY BITTER PEOPLE WHO NEED TO MOVE
ON.>>SO YOU TRUST ME MORE THAN
AMERICAN CIA.>>ALL I KNOW IS I WON.
>>WELL, THIS GUY IS BLOWING MY MIND.
DONALD, I WANT TO STATE OFFICIALLY THAT WE IN RUSSIA ARE
SO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE U.S. PRESIDENT.
>>THANK YOU.>>WE THINK YOU ARE THE BEST
CANDIDATE.>>SURE.
>>THE SMARTEST CANDIDATE.>>NO DOUBT.
>>THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE.>>I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
BUT IT SOUNDS TREMENDOUS.>>SINCE IT IS CHRISTMAS, AFTER
ALL. I GOT YOU A GIFT.
THIS IS ELF ON THE SHELF. IT’S FUN.
YOU JUST PUT IT RIGHT HERE NEXT TO YOUR INTERNET ROUTER.
YOU KEEP IT THERE ALL YEAR. IT’S FUN, YES?
>>IT’S BEAUTIFUL. VLADIMIR, I’M SORRY.
I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE COMING. I DON’T HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU.
>>PLEASE, MR. TRUMP, YOU ARE THE GIFT.
>>DONALD, CAN WE TALK?>>EXCUSE US, VLADIMIR.
>>DONALD, I DON’T TRUST THIS MAN, OKAY?
THINK OF IT THIS WAY. IF A PERSON YOU DID NOT KNOW
CAME FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY AND JUST STARTED FLATTERING YOU,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?>>MARRY THEM.
>>VLADIMIR, I’M AFRAID I HAVE TO ASK YOU TO GO.
IT MIGHT LOOK BAD FOR US TO BE SEEN TOGETHER.
>>BRILLIANT OBSERVATION. YOU ARE ALWAYS SO SMART, MR.
TRUMP.>>YOU CAN STAY AS LONG AS YOU
WANT.>>SIR —
>>OH, MY GOD. IT’S THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS
PAST. SCROOGED!
>>NO. I’M NOT A GHOST.
THIS IS MY FACE AND HAIR. IT’S ME, KELLYANNE.
YOUR SECRETARY OF STATE PICK REX TILLERSON IS HERE.
>>MERRY CHRISTMAS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MR. PRESIDENT-ELECT.
I JUST WANTED TO COME BY AND — POOTIE?
OH, MY GOD!>>REXIE, BABY!
[ SPEAKING RUSSIAN ]>>OH, MY STARS, DONALD.
YOU DIDN’T TELL ME POOTIE WAS GOING TO BE HERE.
MAN, HAVE I BEEN HOPING TO CATCH UP WITH YOU.
>>AS HAVE I, OLD FRIEND. SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT.
RIGHT HERE. WE’RE HAVING SOME OIL DRILLING
PROBLEMS HERE.>>OH, THAT’S NO PROBLEM.
AS SOON AS THE SANCTIONS ARE LIFTED WE’LL UP OUR INTAKE BY
30%.>>WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
>>DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.>>WHAT ABOUT DOUBLING
PRODUCTION HERE IN THE SEA?>>ALREADY UNDER WAY.
JUST HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL OF THE RIDGE.
THE MILITARY IS ON IT.>>AND WE DESTROY VANITY FAIR,
RIGHT? THEY ARE A TERRIBLE PUBLICATION,
JUST TERRIBLE.>>SURE, BUDDY, SURE.
YOU SET UP SHOP HERE?>>OH, YES, FOR YEARS.
GREAT BLACK CRUDE THERE.>>SPEAKING OF BLACK AND CRUDE,
I KNOW KANYE. HE CAME HERE.
HE’S USING MY COLORIST NOW. HE SAYS WHATEVER HE FEELS LIKE
ME, BUT A BLACK.>>THAT’S COOL, BUDDY.
EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND.>>YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SAY LIVE
FROM NEW YORK WITHOUT ME, RIGHT?>>NO.
WE’D NEVER DO THAT.>>BUT MAYBE —
>>LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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