Pachelbel Rant

Pachelbel Rant


[laughs]
[guitar playing] I’m gonna leave you with this little story, it’s about this piece of music It’s a very popular piece of music, I’m sure you all know it but I’ll sing the melody right now [singing] Ba, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da Yeah, Pachelbel’s Canon in D It’s a big hit in the classical world and I know this because I’m a geek I know what you’re thinking: “Rob, you can’t be a geek, you play guitar, you’re so cool!” O.K., you weren’t thinking that, but I was Well, I haven’t always been this cool because I haven’t always played guitar. I started out on the cello. Yeah… the cello is a wonderful, beautiful instrument. it’s cool to be an adult that plays the cello. Being a kid that played the cello sucked. ‘Cause there’s no way to be cool when your instrument is larger than you When you walk to school with a cello you’re like a wounded gazelle on the Serengeti, man. The bullies just smell you coming from a mile away “Ooh, I don’t know what that think is but I know I’m gonna break it.” But I put up with all of the abuse because I loved the music that we played. I loved everything we played in orchestra… except this. I hate Pachelbel’s Canon in D with a passion I hate it so much because the cello part is the worst cello part ever written in the history of cello parts It’s 8 quarter notes that we repeated over and over again, they are as follows: D A B F Sharp G D G A And that’s all we got to play. We repeated those 8 notes 54 times. I counted. Because I had nothing else to do. I would sit back and listen to the violins get lovely melodies The violas would get lovely melodies The second violins would get lovely melodies which should just not happen And the cello, we got stuck with 8 crappy, lousy, stinking notes. And I began to wonder why. Why would Pachelbel do that to us? Such a beautiful instrument. And my theory was he once dated a cellist and she dissed him really bad So for the rest of his life he came up with the worst cello parts he could ever think of It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t hear him every day, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking “Rob, don’t listen to classical radio anymore.” I… it doesn’t matter. Pachelbel’s following me. It sounds paranoid but he’s following you too. You hear him every day. I don’t know, I went to my step-nephew-in-law’s 8th grade graduation and their graduation song was a song by Vitamin C. No, [singing “Graduation (Friends Forever)” by Vitamin C]
As we go on… we’ll remember…
La, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da So on the drive home I turned on some classic rock, some Aerosmith [singing Aerosmith’s “Cryin'”]
There was a time when I was so broken hearted,
La, da da da, da da da da da da So I got home I thought I’d clear my mind with some folk music. No… [singing “One Tin Soldier” by Coven]
Listen children to my story, It was written long ago A-ba, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da They do Pachelbel just like everybody does Pachelbel just to torment me! I don’t even go to Taco Bell anymore because it sounds too close. I hate Pachelbel with a passion, I don’t even know his first name. It’s probably Johann. They’re all named Johann! And when you think about it he’s the original one hit wonder. He had one hit 300 years ago it’s my cross to bear my entire life. Where are they now? That’s what I want to know, where are you now, Pachelbel? VH1’s “I love the 1790s, where is it?” And if he would just stay away from music that I love it would be better, but he won’t He is shameless. He will follow me to the ends of the earth. I went to HORDE Festival thinking, “no, he couldn’t possibly follow me to the HORDE Festival” But you know who was at the HORDE Festival? Blues Traveler! So that means that Pachelbel was also at the HORDE Festival! [singing “The Hook” by Blues Traveler]
Suck it in, suck it in, suck it in, when you’re Amber Lynn or Rin Tin Tin… Make a desperate move and then you’re in a-da da da da, da, da da da, da da da da da da So I figure I’m gonna listen to punk rock for the rest of my life. No dice. [Singing Green Day’s “Basket Case”]
Do you have the time to listen to me whine? A-ba, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da, da, da da da, da da da da da da da da da da You know I’m getting really bored ‘Cause all songs have the same damn chords Punk music is a joke it’s really just Baroque Am I just paranoid, na na na na na, na na, na na I wanna push you around, I will, I will
I wanna push you down, I will
(“Push” by Matchbox 20 [not Saphire]) Whoa-ho, it’s been good living with you
(“Good” by Better Than Ezra) In my machine head, is better than the rest
My machine head, is better than the
(“Machine Head” by Bush) See the stone set in her eye,
See the thorn twist in her
(“With or Without You” by U2) I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel,
I am cold and I’m shamed, lying naked on the floor…
(“Torn” by Natalie Imbru… whatever) He was a boy, she was a girl,
Could it be anymore obvious?
(“Sk8r Boi” by Avril Lavigne) We’re not gonna take it,
No, we ain’t gonna take it!
(“We’re Not Gonna Take It” by Twisted Sister) On your mark, get set and go now
Got a dream and we just know now
(Theme from Laverne and Shirley, which was a popular sit-com in the 1970s) No woman, cry-ee-i-ee-i
(“No Woman, No Cry” by Bob Marley) When I find myself in times of trouble
Pachelbel’s always follwing me
(to the tune of “Let It Be” by the Beatles) I’ll see you in hell, Pachelbel! Oh Pachelbel, Pachelbel, I’ll see your a** in hell! I’ll see you in hell, Pachelbel! Thank you so much, Penn State!
[crowd cheering] Enjoy the rest of the show! Thanks! [Michael Showalter] Rob Paravonian!

26 thoughts on “Pachelbel Rant

  1. "Hook" by Blues Traveler was literally a satire song mocking Canon in D's presence in pop music and other tropes of the music industry. A hilariously ironically popular song.

  2. Wait….
    Am I the first one to comment on this new round of algorithm recommendation? Last round seems like 3 yrs ago.

  3. this man can't sing. but I'd still pay money to watch and hear him sing his shows.. cos he has taught me more in 5 mins then that long Juliard video I just saw.

  4. omg me though. Im 14 and Im a cellist but I also play guitar. I've had to play canon in d for a baby shower and for a wedding once. It was pure hell.

  5. Such an idiot!! Incapable to do nothing better!
    Just a bad microorganism in comparisson with Pachelbel!!

  6. So sad!!! A frustrated musician and a few disconform cellists hating one of the greatest geniuses all times like Johann Pachelbel because they can't show off!!! Shame for the mankind!

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