Rodney Dangerfield’s Best Lines from Home Improvement


– Rodney starred in my Christmas special. “I don’t get no respect, on ice.” (laughter) – Oh, and I tell ya it was cold. It was so cold it was colder
than my wife’s handshake on our honeymoon. (laughter) – What are you doing in Detroit? – I’m looking for plugs and points. (laughter) I was the grand marshall at
the great American parade. And I’ll tell ya if they
made me the grand marshall I mean, how great can
America be, you know? (laughter) – You are good! – Haha, thanks shorty. (laughter) – You know, when I was a
kid I was short myself. I was so short I had to
blow my nose through my fly. (laughter) – I mean, we were poor. – How poor were you? (laughter) – How poor? On thanksgiving my old man
showed us a picture of a turkey. (laughter) I sat there all day trying
to lick the gravy, ya know? (laughter) – I hope I’m not speaking out of turn but, um, you seem to have
some self esteem issues? – Oh, you can say that again. When I was born, the
doctor smacked my mother. (laughter) – My neighborhood is
tough are you kidding? There was a kid in school
and they said to him “And what comes after a sentence?” He said, “You make an appeal.” (laughter) – Hey Jill, I forgot to
give you my phone number in L.A. you know? If you get to L.A. bring your whole family we’ll have a barbeque, okay? – Thanks Rodney. – And you’ll meet my doctor,
Dr. Vinnie Boombatz, you know. (laughter) – In fact I saw him last week, I asked him if my heart was strong enough for sex. He told me not if I join in. (laughter) And you take it easy. I hope I run into ya. When I’m driving. (laughter) (applause) – Hey here honey, buy the
rest of that dress, will ya? (laughter) – Over here Rodney. – Oh could she break up a happy home. (laughter) – Great to have you on
the show Mr. Dangerfield. – Pleasure to be here. Okay what are we working on today boys? – Well we’re gonna refinish
this frame for a husky picture that Al’s got. Now speaking of husky, I
understand you were kind of a husky kid. How husky were ya? – I’m not here to do
jokes, I’m here to help Al with a project. (laughter) – Well uh, speaking of
projects, I hear that you were pretty poor living in the projects. How poor were ya? – None of your business. (laughter) – Hey what kind of wood
are we using in this frame? – Uh, we’ll be using distressed maple. – Wait a minute, speaking
of distressed, I understand your wife is kind of annoying. How annoying is she Rodney? – Not as annoying as you. (laughter) (upbeat music)

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