The Time Zack Morris Valued A Red Jacket More Than Four Human Lives


♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫ (Bell Ringing) – Rick and Trevor from the
Rigmas tell Zack only the coolest kids get invited
to wear a red Rigma jacket. But apparently they’re
willing to overlook that because they ask Zack
if he wants to pledge. Zack jumps at the opportunity
to prove himself worthy of joining a fake middle
school fraternity. The Rigmas promptly
begin dehumanizing Zack. Making him dress like a bozo
and sing showtunes in class. Zack is tip toeing around
school, hiding like a coward from the people he’s
allowing to torment him. Then obeys like a dog when they order him to do jumping jacks for his peers. Mikey questions this nonsense, but Zack says it’s all worth
it for a dumb red jacket. The Rigmas make Zack wear
a bathing suit to class, dangerously close to having
his balls slip out in geometry. Totally worth it for the jacket. Rick and Trevor dangle the
jacket in front of Zack. But say before he can wear it, he needs to ditch those
losers he calls friends. Zack approaches his day one
pals and says he’s sorry for what he’s about to
do, but he has to do it. For the jacket. Zack loudly exposes Mikey’s secret crush. Unforgivable. Rick and Trevor approve. Then tells Lisa he’s
going to call her parents to snitch on her for
wearing makeup at school. Dick move. Clap clap clap clap clap. Then shoves a piece of
cake in Nicki’s face. Zero creativity there. And when Screech says he
thought they were friends, Zack says he would never be friends with a nothing like Screech. This child has no soul. Zack’s abhorrent malice
is rewarded with a jacket from two assholes that’s
worth about as much as a nickel covered in bird shit. Zack strolls in to class and tries to act like it’s all good. But it’s not all good. It’s all bad because he
publicly humiliated everyone. And his former friends rightfully shun this backstabbing Judas. Zack tells them to relax
because now that he’s a Rigma, they can all be friends again. On weekends and stuff. Terms and conditions apply. The gang doesn’t want Zack’s
friendship leftovers and toss his red jacket around
until he cries like a weenie which happens right away. Miss Bliss gets caught up to speed. Zack assaulted a student with
pie, ruined Mikey’s life, and really called Lisa’s parents at home to leave a message about her makeup. Zack says the only reason
they’re all here is because these losers threw his jacket around. A defense that ignores
several crucial details. When Miss Bliss asks if
these allegations are true, Zack says absolutely not. Because he just hit Nicki
with a piece of pie, not a whole pie. Another partially accurate
response that, once again, omits many pertinent facts. Zack says they’re all just
jealous of his sweet jacket. More lies. Miss Bliss says this
red jacket just cost him four friends. Zack tells the gang he’s
given it some thought, and he’s choosing them over the jacket. But they don’t want
anything to do with him, because he really needed
someone to explain that a jacket is worth
less than four people. So Zack immediately turns
his back on them again to go sit with the Rigmas. Rick and Trevor have one
more surprise for Zack. In order for them to
get into the Rigmas they had to find a gullible sucker and make him believe he was pledging. Then get him to do a
bunch of horrible stuff. Zack wants to know where
they could ever find someone so idiotic! Hey dumb dumb, they’re
talking about your blonde ass. The gang comes over to
make sure Zack understands how much it sucks to be
humiliated over a jacket. Then graciously take him
back, because unlike Zack, they’re not total buttholes
and can think for themselves to asses a situation. But before Zack throws
that jacket in the garbage, where he should put his entire body, he gets approval from the
gang because he remains incapable of independent thought. Let’s review. Zack Morris wanted to join a middle school pseudo-fraternity just
to get a red jacket. And to get that jacket was
willing to humiliate himself all over school. Then to earn the approval of
people who have done nothing but torture him, brutally
destroyed the friendships he had with the people who
actually care about him. Then tried to act like nothing happened, and completely ignored any
role he had in this situation. And when he said he had a change of heart, but his victims were
understandably still upset, he changed his heart again and went right back to his abusers. And found out the shocking news that they had bad
intentions this whole time, and all the despicable things he did for that red jacket were pointless. Which was always the
case because it was just a stupid red jacket which he really valued more than the dignity
of four human beings. Five if you include Zack, which I certainly don’t. Let’s call it four. Zack Morris is trash. ♫ Zack Morris Is Trash ♫ (Bell Ringing)

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