KYLE JUSTIN: ♪ He’s playing some games ♪ ♪ The worst he recalls ♪ ♪ He’s gonna find out ♪ ♪ Which ones suck the most balls ♪ ♪ The Angry Video Game Nerd ♪ ♪ Is here ♪ NERD: Another game that I’ve gotten requests up the ass for over the years is A Boy and his Blob. Here’s the thing about it: I don’t consider it a bad game, but I can understand why many would find it frustrating and boring. You control A Boy and the Blob character follows you around. You have a supply of jellybeans that if you feed to the blob they all turn him into different kinds of tools. The whole fun of the game is figuring out what tool works best in the situation. I know it’s annoying that the jellybeans don’t even tell you what they do, but soon, you catch onto the game’s humour. For example: An apple jellybean turns the blob into a jack. Get it? Apple jack. It’s a big guessing game and there’s lots of trials and errors. Like if you need to go down, you never know where exactly to stand until after you’ve fallen to your doom a few times. The music is monotonous; there’s not many enemies; there’s lots of tedious running around, but, it has a unique charm. I like the puzzle solving, and that blob is a cool little guy. Obedient like a dog. The game may be flawed, but the creativity and originality shines through. The Three Stooges. This has always been a huge request. I’ve dreaded this moment for a long time. What? Ghost Busters II? GAME: Hey fellas! We’re in the wrong game! Hey, this looks like a kids game! NERD: Now that’s funny.
GAME: You imbeciles! NERD: I’ve always been a big fan of The Three Stooges, but the game’s charm ends right after the title screen. The plot involves an orphanage that’s unable to pay it’s mortgage, so you’re trying to raise money so that the kids have a place to live. That’s sad. That’s not a fun video game concept. It takes the idea of something that’s too real. The game itself is nothing more than a bunch of mini-games. You have no control over which one you play; you can’t cancel them. Whatever you land on, you’re forced to play it, and you can get the same one over and over again. It always seems like I end up getting the one where you eat the live oysters. GAME: (OBNOXIOUS SCREAM) NERD: All you do is move the spoon and scoop up the oysters. The spoon moves way too slow; it doesn’t give you enough time before the oysters disappear and Curly makes an obnoxious sound. GAME: (OBNOXIOUS SCREAM) NERD: I can’t even describe how much this all irritates me. I’m sick of playing it! I’m sick of looking at it! I hate staring at those oysters! They don’t even look like oysters, they look like assholes! I’m not even trying to be funny. They really look like dogs’ hairy assholes rising in the stew! What else could it look like?
GAME: (OBNOXIOUS SCREAM) NERD: Then there’s the part where you’re in the hospital collecting red crosses. Mindless, but playable. There’s the classic pie fight and the slapping thing. Self-explanatory enough. I don’t know what all that shit is at the top. If it wasn’t there I assure you I wouldn’t be confused. This is what you’d expect to see from The Three Stooges, but obviously the whole game couldn’t just be The Three Stooges slapping each other in the alley the whole time, so they tried to give it some variety. The best part is the trivia, but what happened with the controls? You have multiple choice answers. To choose A, you hold left on the D-pad while pressing either the A or B button at the same time. To choose B, you hold up or down and hit the button. To choose C, you hold right and hit the button. Why couldn’t it just be a simple selection screen? What kind of knuckleheads programmed it like this?! Was this game actually made by The Three Stooges? The most annoying game of all is the one based on a specific Three Stooges short, called ‘Punch Drunks’. In the short, Moe is a boxing manager who puts Curly in the ring to take advantage of his psychological complex that causes him to knock people out whenever he hears the song “Pop! Goes the Weasel”. Larry is hired by Moe to sit ringside with a violin and play the song so that Curly can win the fight, but the violin breaks and now Curly has to go running to find an alternative. It’s a great short, but with all that explanation, how much does the game tell you? Nothing. All you get is a shot of Larry holding the broken violin and then the game starts and Larry’s running around trying to find a radio. It’s no wonder why nobody knew what the fuck to make of this. Even if kids in the ’80s were familiar at all with The Three Stooges, what was the chance of them knowing a specific short from 1934? You control Larry on the bottom. There’s no telling why Curly is at the top. The only reason any of this is up there is to show the time limit, but it’s too elaborate and distracting. It only makes you wish you were playing the boxing part, instead of Larry running through an alley slamming into everything! That’s all you do! You hit everything in sight! It’s the equivalent of the first stage of Back to the Future III on SEGA Genesis! By the way, who’s the naked guy lying on the sidewalk? (GRUNTS ANGRILY) No matter what I do I always hit the pole or the boxes in the background. And you can’t run, or else you’ll never see what’s coming! Fuck this game! (SIGH) Moving into Super NES territory, let’s take a look at Home Improvement. Yeah that’s right, based on the TV show. How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor on the set of his show ‘Tool Time’. Remember the show within the show? So his tools go missing and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them. Apparently in the sound stage right next to ‘Tool Time’ they’re filming some kind of dinosaur show. So the first stage is just a generic dinosaur platformer. If it’s a show and the dinosaurs aren’t real then how are they attacking? I guess they’re supposed to be animatronic or something. So, okay, it’s a pretty ridiculous concept. We got that out of the way. At least we can hope the gameplay is decent, right? Yeah, it isn’t. The weapons all suck and breaking through these boulders is always a chore. It’s relentlessly difficult. Not many people have seen passed this first stage, but it said that they’re all generic TV sets. You know, wouldn’t it be cool if they were sets to real shows? Like ‘Family Matters’, ‘Full House’ or ‘Dinosaurs’. No, no, n-no, no. No more dinosaurs. You know what’d be awesome? If you went onto the set of ‘Home Improvement’. Whoa! Wonder if Tim Allen ever played this game. Do you think he could beat this stage? How far could Tim Allen get in the Home Improvement video game? That’s a question that needs answering. I’d give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what. There is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says “REAL MEN DON’T NEED INSTRUCTIONS”! Very funny. Next up: Pit Fighter. Commonly known as “Shit Fighter” because it’s the shittiest fighting game next to Karate Champ. When this game came out in the arcades, it looked awesome! It was one of the first games where the playable characters were real life actors who had been digitized. I mean really, this was a big deal at the time. Like, wow! They look like real people. Well, when the arcade version was eaten up and shat out onto the home consoles it ended up looking like this. It’s like cutout photographs fighting each other. And why do they turn black and white when they lose? I guess colour is life and black and white is death. As soon as Mortal Kombat came out, it made this game obsolete, instantly. The big problem with it – the Super NES port at least – is that it’s way too difficult. After each match it doesn’t replenish your health, nor do you get any continues. Nothing! One chance. One life meter. That’s it. So you have to fight everybody in one, long, lucky streak of button-mashing madness. As a kid, I never made it passed the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that! Before you turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it has to give you your health back at some point, but I’ve just made it to the fourth opponent and still, they don’t give you any health back. This is the worst Super NES game I’ve ever played! Worse than Super Noah’s Ark 3-D; worse than Shaq-Fu; worse than Wizard of Oz; worse than Lester the Unlikely. I’m dead fucking serious. Even B mode Double Dragon was better than this and that was on NES. Sure it gets monotonous and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting theirselves, but it has much more fluent control, and is way more fun than Pit Fighter. And next up, a game that is probably my biggest request. – Aside from that other one about the fucking alien that falls in the pits. No, no. – I’m talking about motherfucking Bubsy 3D. I don’t even know who the Hell Bubsy is. It’s just some generic cat that doesn’t wear pants. Not that cats wear pants anyway but, he’s got a shirt, so where’s his pants? Bubsy was clearly intended as a mascot character, like Sonic or Mario, but failed miserably. Nevertheless, a whole series of games was made and he crossed over to multiple consoles. SEGA Genesis, Atari Jaguar and Super NES which even got a sequel. But the biggest cat turd in the litter pan was the PlayStation version. The character’s first venture into 3D, because everybody else was doing it! GAME: So, you want to be a video game star? NERD: As the game begins, you’re walking around collecting atoms. That’s it. There’s some enemies to kill but, not many and they don’t move. Basically, all you’re doing is getting the atoms. Much like flying through the rings in Superman 64. The first thing you’ll notice is how boring the graphics look. There’s no style, no taste, no creative design whatsoever. Just flat colours and bland scenery. If you stare at it for more than two minutes you get immediate sensory deprivation. You’d rather stare at a blank wall! About these atoms. You’d think it would be easy. Couldn’t you just walk through them? Like Sonic or Mario going through coins or rings. No, no, no, you can’t. To move, you’re not allowed to simply hold the D-pad or joystick in that direction. No, no, no. You have to painstakingly, turn yourself from a standstill and then move in the direction you’re facing. When trying to do something as simple as getting the items is a chore, then you really have a problem. It gets even worse when you’re trying to jump on enemies. Every time you leap, the camera goes into a downward angle. In fact, you can’t control the camera at all. It usually locks into whatever direction you’re facing, which may have seemed self-explanatory to the developers, but 3D games don’t work that way. You need to control the camera. And whenever you get hit, the camera spins around to face you, which only causes you to get disoriented and get hit again. It would be just as much fun to sit in a swivel chair, while someone spins you around and keeps punching you in the face! That’s what playing Bubsy 3D is like. Like getting punched on a swivel chair. This seems as if was the first 3D game ever made, but Super Mario 64 came before this, and that played perfectly. What happened here? Even the blocks look like you can carve them out to make an N64 logo. Maybe it’s just that I have Super Mario 64 on the brain, because that’s what I’d rather be playing! And to be even more annoying, Bubsy keeps talking. GAME: Look, an arrow! Aren’t these game designers wonderful? NERD: Yeah, I bet they thought they were clever. Overall, this game just feels unfinished, and what I really mean, is that it’s like it was barely started at all. I thought this was a prototype of some sort, not an actual finished game that got released in stores. It’s a pile of junk! Most of the game I own are junk. I’m hoarding junk! I surrounded myself with fucking garbage! Alright, one more game and then it’s happy holidays and good-fucking-night. Let’s end with Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven’t already played enough Spider-Man games. They’re all terrible! But, maybe this one’s okay. After all, I’m not sure how I missed it because it’s one of the only Super NES games that’s red. Anyway, let’s give it a try. Well, the comic book cutscenes are quite nice. The gameplay: Well, it’s a beat ’em up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good. The punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. GAME: (PUNCHES AND GRUNTS) NERD: It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad, and the music is upbeat and energizing. GAME: (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) NERD: And what do I hear? GAME: (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) NERD: It’s ‘The Mob Rules’ by Black Sabbath! I don’t mean it just sounds similar. It’s the same song, just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! GAME: (ROCK GUITAR SOLO) NERD: I think it was just a ripoff and that they never got Black Sabbath’s permission, but it’s still welcome to hear and adds to this game’s enjoy-ability. That’s right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It’s no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would’ve definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game? ♪ EPIC MUSIC ♪ Oh my God. Oh my God. They did it! They pulled through! Oh my God! They made a game that’s not a steaming pile of fucking shit! Oh my God! They did it! They made a game that’s not shit! I found the gold at the end of the rainbow. Maybe it’s not gold maybe it’s bronze or something but, they made a game that’s not shit! It’s not shit!